I find it ironic that the post I labeled as "(not) my last." Ended up being my last for that semester at least. Would have been my last ever if Harold Camping had been right. Posting once a month turned out to be more than I felt like, but hopefully over summer I can kick back in. Looking back, however, I'm seeing the growth i made this semester and am amazed by what God has done.
In the subject of my Aspergers, I came on campus under the assumption that I had more or less caught up with my Aspergers struggles. I had come so far, how much farther could I really have to go? I was a victorious champion proudly awaiting his next challenge to overcome... Only to be wiped out within moments of entering the next arena.
It took a while for me to become disillusioned, but after I while I noticed that I had been missing social cues, unintentionally offending people, and retaining my habit of speaking out to loud or long at all the wrong times. It got incredibly frustrating at times trying to guess whether someone I was talking to was interested in what I was saying, or just putting up with me and wanted me to leave them alone. Several times I would approach and greet friends, enter into a conversation, only to find out later that I had unwittingly interrupted a girls' night or a "serious conversation."
Before I continue, I want to apologize to anyone I might have bothered or intruded on without realizing it over the past years, and emphasize to any of my readers who have friends, students, or children with AS, that we often struggle to understand what isn't outright told to us. I, personally, would rather have an awkward moment of hearing and realizing a person isn't interested in talking to me than have them later resent me for not picking up on their disinterest.
Back to the story, however. I realized this and made a more conscious effort to pick up on what people were saying, and more importantly, outright ask if I could/should begin or continue a conversation. I also was lucky enough to have a few friends who were both loving and honest in how they brought up my struggles (I'm giving a shoutout to Matt Branco who was a huge source of both helpful encouragement and gentle correction whenever I needed either). Because of this, I've grown in ways I haven't even imagined this year, and hope that I can remain humbly teachable throughout the next three years.
The worst disillusions, however, came in a more simple form: simple pictures and videos of myself. As someone who imagined himself as having defeated his social struggles and become "cool," nothing was more discouraging that seeing an acne-ridden, slouching, awkward little twenty-year-old with a receding hairline and a Facebook tag box with my name on his face. I remembered all the friends I met in high school, who would often complain about how they looked in pictures, and I finally began to understand their pain.
Until I remembered why I didn't understand them in the first place...
When people I know talk about not liking having their picture taken, I find their dislike ridiculous. Okay, maybe they didn't enjoy seeing themselves with physical flaws and all, but I did. Some of my most treasured memories are trapped inside those hundreds of awkward pictures of me and my fellow teenagers, who I enjoyed being around so much that I don't even see the flaws, even now.
That was the most encouraging realization I've had in a long time. That zitty, unshaven college student? That's also the guy all my friends enjoy being friends with. I might not like the look of that guy, but everyone who I thought loved the "cool," more socially adept me, in fact loved him. Him of the inappropriate chatter, the awkwardly low-pitched laugh, the stupid jokes it might have been better not to tell, and the allergic latex rashes covering his neck and face. It was both strange and beautiful that so many people could be friends with this guy.
I then realized, how much more strange and beautiful it is that GOD loves me. The guy who has counted both the hairs on my head and the pimples in my pores, who is more than fully and intimately aware of every personal flaw I can barely admit to myself, LOVES me. Is nuts for me. Died for me so that I can be with him. How crazy is that?
Anyway, that's it for my blog post this time. Hopes are high that the next one shall not be as distant.
-Caleb Ference
