The D-Word

This next post is another off-topic discussion, I’ll hopefully write some about how my Aspergers is affecting me in college after I’ve been through enough college to know.

As I’m starting at Kent, I’m noticing a lot of mention and discussion of relationships. I’ve seen that this can be a touchy issue for some people, as some talk about how badly they want a boyfriend/girlfriend, or others have strong opinions of varying levels of actual logic. My own opinion of romance and relationships, however, goes very much against the grain.

I think dating, especially in high school or early college, is silly.

Not to say I think it’s sinful, nor do I think that all relationships in high school are doomed to fail. I just think that, even when nothing is lost from a relationship due to it (and something is almost always lost), little to nothing is gained. Again, I AM aware that people can keep relationships innocent and decent by being pure and focusing relationships on God, but even so, what is gained? What do high school couples have that they would not have if they simply remained friends until they were older?

I’ll start by saying that I AM a believer in the idea of God creating people with specific future spouses in mind. God works in these people’s lives to bring them together to serve each other and ultimately serve him. And I have seen, especially through my parents, how amazing genuine Christ-centered marriages can be when they allow Him to work.

However, my first point is that even if these people meet as teenagers, high school and college are the years where a person begins to form into who they’re going to be for the rest of their life. Most teenagers I know were completely different people last year, and even more different two years ago, and the year before that, and so on. With those changes come both changes in standards and values when it comes to the opposite sex, as well as changes to what standards or values you meet. If someone plans to spend the rest of their life with someone else, it is a better idea to wait until after the tumultuous teenage years are over, so that both people have a foggy idea on who they’ll be for the rest of their life.

My second reason for thinking that young couples are counter-productive is more obvious -- the risks. A lot of the risks are obvious, such as the temptation to “go farther” and the possibility of awkwardness if the relationship doesn’t work, but somehow they both seem to be overlooked. The thing to keep in mind is that relationships do NOT have a rewind button. A lot of people talk about staying pure in such a way that they see it as a lifeline; if they haven’t done this, they can be friends after. I can say, however, that every failed relationship I’ve seen has had some form of scar, even though some are minor. While I do admit that I’ve seen relationships end peacefully, there is still something lost. What was a great friendship has an awkward pause that wasn’t there before. This is my biggest personal reason for not dating in high school -- my close female friends mean too much to me to risk a needless awkward pause through what is at best a blind stab.

My third reason, and another big one, is the shifting of focus. The fact is that when people become close to people of the opposite sex, the relationship DOES take more time, thought, and effort than normal friendships, even in Christians. I’ve seen a lot of Christians lose sight of their higher goals by pursuing a girl and coming to God for her sake, rather than pursuing God and coming to a girl for his sake. Being someone who spends a lot of time with fellow Christians, I, myself, often have to go to extra effort to make sure my “humility” or “righteousness” isn’t just to impress someone -- girl, friend, authority, or otherwise. When I find that I am just acting for someone other than God, it takes a lot more effort to change than “normal” character flaws, which are apparent at a glance, because the former can be hard to see in both yourself and others. By putting the effort I would otherwise put into a girl directly on God, I can make genuine growth, and serve where I need for Christ in all areas of life -- including, but no longer limited to, my relationship with my future wife.

Now that I’ve described all the reasons I have AGAINST a certain type of relationship, I should say what type of relationship I think is good. In high school, I think that there is a lot more to be said for friendship -- both same and different sex friendships -- than there often is. Right now I’m putting my effort and thoughts into personal growth in my relationship with Christ, as well as into my friendships with others. Over the years, I’ve become close to dozens of people -- guys and girls -- and have been changed, challenged, led, followed, and taught me in ways that have shaped a lot of who I am today. Had I put that effort into one girl, then I would not have that growth.

I do believe, though, that whoever it is out there that God made for me, whether I’ve met her yet or not, God plans to bring us together in our friendship. I can grow, and if God puts her on my heart, we can have a mature, healthy, relationship. I would rather choose a relationship because it’s best for my friendship with a girl than get a girl because I think I need the relationship. And anything that I would want out of a relationship -- having someone to spend time with, talk to, ect, I already have with the friends I spend time with now.

One final point is a philosophy I’ve often found useful in thinking straight about girls, and I’ve seen people in relationships be helped by this train of thought as well: Everyone you meet is either the one God plans for you to marry, or he/she isn’t. If it’s the first, then the best thing to do for now is to keep the relationship pure and the friendship strong until God tells you otherwise. If it’s the latter, then they can still be a valuable friend and an important part of each other’s life, you just need to make sure that it stays in a place you won’t be ashamed of when you are finally married. No matter what, the friendship trumps everything, and God eventually reveals what he wants from a given friendship -- for better, for worse, or for life.

This came out to be a rather long post, but there is quite a lot to say on it. Feel free to comment if you have anything to add, or if you disagree with something I say.

As always, your Brother in Christ

-Caleb Ference